A Day in the Life of a Nowhere Girl
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
cobaltdeath's LiveJournal:
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| Thursday, October 29th, 2009 | | 7:11 pm |
Dear Bob McDonnell,
NO, I WILL NOT VOTE FOR YOU, YOU SMARMY PRICK. (Quit sending me bullshit through the mail.) Love, A Liberal Feminazi Destroyer of American Values(TM) Current Mood:  angry | | Wednesday, November 12th, 2008 | | 4:56 pm |
| | Monday, April 28th, 2008 | | 6:16 pm |
I don't know which I fear more: failure or success.
I used to be afraid of failure. To some extent, I know that I still am - who isn't, right? But I've been thinking about it lately, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm also afraid of success. I feel like my "success" days are behind me, and if I do end up succeeding now (in anything, really), I wouldn't know how to handle it. On some level, I think maybe it's a severely fucked-up defense mechanism - kind of like the way my body image works. I eat too much junk food and don't exercise enough because I'm afraid that if I lose weight and get in shape, somebody might actually find me attractive, and I don't deserve that. I don't feel that I deserve to be pretty or healthy or loved, so I keep sabotaging myself. Of course, there have been people who have broken past my barrier of self-imposed ugliness and fat, and I think maybe that's what scares me most, because I know that those few people really accept me and love me for who I am. I'm afraid that if I get my life together, I won't be able to tell the difference between true friends and people who are just after the superficial crap. Right now it's like a default - if you like me even with my flabby body and messy hair and flawed skin and less-than-perfect teeth, then I know that you really like me for who I am. I don't have to worry about guys trying to get into my pants, and I think maybe that makes life easier. I don't know, I've never been on the other side of that spectrum. I've been fat all my life - or at least I've always felt fat. When I was in kindergarten I remember asking my mom if she would buy me some Slim-Fast, because I thought I needed it. She was shocked, of course, and told me I didn't need it and that I was fine, which at that time was probably true...but I think I've always had issues with my self-image. Looking back on old pictures, I guess I was within the normal weight range for most of my childhood - at least, that's what the doctors told me, but at school I was always the nerdy fat kid. I've never thought of myself as "pretty," although I suppose maybe I could be OK-looking if I tried, but I don't. I don't feel like I have that right - I don't deserve to be pretty. I am the nerdy fat kid still; that's who I am and part of me thinks that's who I will always be. It's such an essential part of my being that I don't even know if I could be any other way. I don't know how to be thin or pretty or even average in terms of looks, and while part of me would like to be any of those things, part of me would have no idea how to live like that. I guess I just feel like I'm not meant to be pretty, and any attempt to do anything other than "look OK for a nerdy fat chick" seems unnatural. I have to rely on my intelligence (and occasionally sarcasm) to get by - that's how I operate. Always have, probably always will. The same kind of goes for work, I think. I'm graduating in a few weeks, and looking for jobs is...not fun, to say the least. I'm an anthropology major, which basically means I have nothing to offer. Sure, I can write decent papers, but last I checked, literacy is a basic job skill that's unlikely to give me any competitive advantages. I used to dream about saving the world, but now I'm setting my sights pretty low - I tell people that if I can find a job that keeps me off the streets, I'll be doing OK. My parents keep telling me to find something that interests me, but I'm not even sure what that would be - I love music, but there isn't exactly a huge job market for that. I'm not even a musician, really - sure, I mess around on the piano once in a while, and I was in band in high school, but again...those aren't really marketable skills unless you're really good, and I'm not. I think I just need to convince myself that I'm worth something, that I deserve happiness and health and maybe even a decent job eventually. But right now, I'm not feeling it. I'm just getting by for now...kind of drifting aimlessly through life. I hope that will change soon, but right now I have no direction. I'm not really depressed or anything - I have great friends and my life is pretty good; I just don't know where I'm headed. Someday I suppose I'll figure it out, but for now, it's all good. I just can't shake the feeling that it could be better if I could get over my weird insecurities and all the other crap. Current Mood:  apathetic | | Saturday, April 19th, 2008 | | 4:08 pm |
| | Wednesday, April 18th, 2007 | | 9:19 pm |
Silly stuff
Found this on somebody else's journal, checked it out, was amused. :-) Enjoy! --Go to Google.com --Click on Maps. --Click on "get Directions". --From New York --To Berlin --And read line #23. Repost this if you laughed. Current Mood:  amused | | Monday, April 16th, 2007 | | 11:18 pm |
Tonight, we are all Hokies.
It seems like every generation has defining moments where their collective innocence is lost. I can't help but wonder what will happen when all the innocence is gone from the world and children are born cynical. Will we still be human then? How much longer until that happens? All questions, and no answers tonight...maybe no answers ever. Just thoughts and prayers, and sadness, and a strange kind of hope. Peace. Current Mood:  sad | | Thursday, November 30th, 2006 | | 3:11 am |
It will pass. It always does, sometimes in a few hours, sometimes in a few days, but eventually, it goes away. And it never seems to go away soon enough, but in the end, it does. Not forever, sometimes not even for very long at all, but the knowledge that this will not last forever is what keeps me going. "Going" is a relative term, of course - right now I feel like I'm going nowhere, and fast; stuck spinning my wheels in the mud, stalled out on some deserted highway, and all those other cliches people use to describe the way I feel right now...the way probably everyone has felt at least once in their lives. I am not alone. But it feels like it, at times like these... It's past midnight here. I am tired, but not sleepy...my brain wants to shut down, but I don't think I could sleep right now if I tried. Too many thoughts swirling around in my head, like a badly animated cartoon hurricane. I feel sick, although I'm not sure whether that's from exhaustion, stress, or the approximately thirteen Ghirardelli dark chocolate squares I've consumed today in an effort to counteract said exhaustion and stress. (Bad idea, by the way.) Maybe it's some combination of the three. Maybe there are other factors I'm not even taking into account (the O'Reilly one, perhaps? ;-) *sigh* Really, Keith Olbermann, you're my hero and all, but get out of my head. It's too late (too early?) for that). I have class in 8 1/2 hours, complete with a final response paper due at the beginning (a paper which - yep, you've guessed it - I have not yet begun to write. Dammit, John Paul Jones now, too? Screw it, man...) of said class, then two more classes following up right in a row. Not to mention the fact that my last class for tomorrow requires yet another paper, although much longer and more detailed, which I have also not finished...and which was due yesterday/Tuesday. I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to explain to the professor (who, by the way, I'm considering asking to be my advisor, although after this fiasco who knows how/if that will work out) that I started writing the paper over Thanksgiving break, came back to school and tried to finish it, but had a miniature nervous breakdown and ended up alternately a) having a panic attack (or two, or five, or eight), b) crying, c) collapsing into bed and attempting to calm down/sleep it off/get a fresh perspective (all unsuccessfully, I might add), and d) eventually wandering around CW aimlessly for hours on end in a stress-induced haze. For Friday, I have a response paper due for my Environmental Studies class, on a lecture I had to attend tonight instead of going to my first official PSP meeting as a brother (which means I already have one strike against me, there). Sunday, I have a piano recital/exam type thing, for which I am required to play two pieces, one by memory. I haven't even decided which piece to memorize (we're given a choice of four), and my prepared (ha!) piece is nowhere near up to par. When I'm not practicing my fingers off on the piano this weekend, I have to research the environmental policies of numerous UN member countries in preparation for an Environmental Studies class simulation on Monday. Oh yes, and on Monday morning, I also have a chapter test in Tonal Theory. Brilliant. Let's see...what else is in store for me next week? Weekly PSP meeting on Wednesday (maybe I'll actually be able to attend this one...it would be nice if I didn't get kicked out two weeks after being inducted). Then, sometime before next Friday, I have to find time to not only read a book for my Archaeology class, but also to write (surprise, surprise!) a final response paper on it. Heilige Scheisse...to think that this has probably been my best semester (class-wise) at W&M! I suppose that's another reason I'm stressing out about all this - I've been doing pretty well up until now, and I don't want to ruin it right at the end. (Also, there's that whole "must maintain a 3.0 GPA" thing for PSP...although, if I am to be totally honest with myself, it's not just for PSP. It's something I want for myself, too - I want to be able to say that I graduated from W&M with above a 3.0, because, let's face it, that is pretty impressive - if I do say so myself. ;-) Academic snobbery strikes again! Sometimes, I do wonder if it would've been easier to go someplace like Harvard or Yale - sure, the Ivies have great reputations and all, but the fact that Chimpy McFlightsuit was allowed in (and graduated, even) causes me to seriously doubt the actual academic quality of such institutions. By the way, "sir," I would appreciate it if you would not be rude to my Senator.) Anyway. It's now almost 2:00, and I'm beginning to wind down and even get a little sleepy. I think I'm going to try to write at least one of my papers, and then get some sleep....Good night, and good luck (with apologies to Mr. Murrow)! Peace. | | Friday, September 22nd, 2006 | | 8:54 pm |
On mental illness(es)...
Okay. I recently joined a "Mental Illness Awareness" group on Facebook, and because of the stupid news feed, several people have found out about this and have made sarcastic comments. So, for those of you who don't know why I joined this group or why I don't consider it hilarious or a joke, I'm going to try to explain a few things. Here's the deal: I'm clinically depressed. I was diagnosed when I was sixteen, although looking back I'm sure I was suffering from depression long before I sought help - probably since I was about eight or nine years old. I take medicine for it every day, and I have to regulate my dose to adjust for the seasons (in winter, it gets worse; in summer, it's not as bad, etc. You get the idea), but I deal with it. When I was first diagnosed with depression, I tried counseling and therapy - neither of which worked for me. After several sessions with a psychologist, visits to the family doctor, and multiple evaluations, it was determined that my form of depression was primarily chemical, which explained why I wasn't responding to the counseling sessions. I got a prescription for Zoloft and I was referred to a psychiatrist for medication management, who I still see periodically. Yes, I still have issues with depression from time to time, but for the most part, I'm doing fine and I can lead a relatively normal life. Now, time to bust a few myths. 1) I am not "crazy," "stupid," or "weak." Neither is anyone else who is suffering from a mental illness such as depression. It's just that - an illness, like the flu or a cold. The fact that it occurs in the brain does not make it any less real or valid. 2) Zoloft, Prozac et al. are not "happy pills." Taking them does not automatically make one happy and bubbly. It takes time for the meds to get into the bloodstream and start regulating serotonin, and increasing or decreasing dosage too fast or too slow can have very negative side effects. That's about all for now, I guess. I'm sorry if I'm coming off as kind of bitchy, but I just got a little tired of people making comments and assumptions, and I wanted to clear a few things up. Peace! | | Saturday, July 22nd, 2006 | | 5:37 pm |
If I were a rock star...
(Yeah, because that's how bored I am right now - so bored that I'm thinking about what I would do if I were a rock star. (Insert "Fiddler on the Roof" music here.) Anyway.) If I were a rock star, I would: - wear at least one tie-dyed article of clothing at all times (oh wait, I do that most of the time already. But why not make it official? ;-)) - probably wear Mardi Gras beads or something, and then throw them into the audience at the end of the show. (Yeah, it's cheesy, and cliche as all hell, but I'd do it anyway, I think.) - play my guitar WITHOUT A PICK, DAMMIT. - either that or play lead bass...also without a pick, dammit! ;-) - definitely require some form of chocolate in my tour rider. (Probably some other weird shit, too - like fresh green peppers or unsweetened iced tea or some of the other crazy things I like that other people think are disgusting. Like maybe raw green beans. Oooh, or frozen peas! Yeah, frozen peas rule...I'd definitely have some of those.) - probably pretty much be the same dork I always have been, only more so. Of course, I'm not gonna be a rock star. Not now, probably not ever. But, it's fun to dream, right? ;-) Current Mood: bored | | Wednesday, June 14th, 2006 | | 8:45 pm |
"In my dream I was drowning my sorrows; but my sorrows, they learned to swim..."
Last night I dreamt of someone I used to love very deeply. We haven't spoken in at least two years - mostly, if not entirely, due to me and my decisions to try to forget about the past and move on - but I dreamt of him nonetheless. It was a strange dream. I don't remember many details, but I remember him coming to me - I was sitting at a table somewhere I think, and he came up to me and wanted to shake my hand, but I was rather cold to him and even dismissive. (Probably because that's most likely how I would act in real life, sadly enough...although I doubt very much he would waste his time with me now.) Anyway, I guess he persisted, and eventually we ended up going somewhere to talk (a basement of some kind, I think - not that it matters really). I think in my dream I got all emotional and told him that I could either love him or hate him, but I could never just be neutral towards him. At that point I don't remember exactly what happened, but I do seem to recall him being warm and supportive, and later on in the dream I grew to love him again, and this time he loved me too. In this dream I remember feeling complete being with him, and when I woke up I couldn't help but wonder if I had ruined my one chance for "true love" or some rubbish like that. It confuses me still. Why did I dream of him, when there are others who have loved me more and treated me much better than he could have (at that stage in our life, anyway)? And why now? I know I have been feeling a bit lonely lately, but that doesn't really explain it to my satisfaction. I mean, I doubt I'll ever really forget him, but he definitely hasn't been on my mind for a long time, and there's no reason he should be now. Maybe someone up there is trying to tell me what a f---up I am? I just don't know. ??? Current Mood:  confused | | Wednesday, May 31st, 2006 | | 12:12 am |
"The music stopped. She died."
Do you remember those 3-minute mystery things that people used to play at birthday parties and sleepovers and all kinds of get-togethers when we were kids? The title of this entry is from one of those, in case you were wondering. (And even if you weren't. ;-)) I think the explanation for it was something like, "she" was a blind (or maybe just blindfolded?) tightrope walker whose cue to start and stop walking the rope was music, and one day something happened to the regular conductor just before the show and the substitute stopped the music a little too early, which caused the tightrope walker to step off the rope too soon and fall to her death. But all that's completely beside the point. The reason I used that title is because that's how I feel sometimes. I've been playing bass pretty much all afternoon and evening, and just now I played piano for at least fifteen minutes straight - same piece (a little thing I arranged, made up of bits and pieces of lots of songs - kind of a variations on a theme deal), no stopping. Sometimes I get this almost desparate need to play music or to be connected to it somehow, and I feel like it's absolutely vital that I keep playing no matter what. I do this at school sometimes, too - like late at night when I go to Ewell Hall to play around on one of the pianos in the practice rooms, I just start playing and I can't stop, I feel like I have to go on and keep playing until my fingers are dead tired and I'm so exhausted I'm practically falling asleep at the keyboard. Maybe it's because music is my escape, or whatever - it's my way of finding logic and love and making sense of things...or something like that. I don't know. I can't really put it into words. I just know that sometimes, when I get like that, I feel like that tightrope walker - the music stops, and I die. (Not literally of course, but I think there's a part of me that fades away when I'm not connected to or playing music. Weird, isn't it?) Anyway, that's enough rambling on for now. I am home and I love it - my family is wonderful and I love them, and I'm glad to be home with them and my animals and of course my music. :-) Current Mood:  pensive | | Sunday, May 7th, 2006 | | 10:25 pm |
Ugh...exams. :-(
Fuck, I hate exams. And it's gotten to the point where I just can't even make myself focus on studying, even though I really, really need to. I'm probably going to get straight C's this semester, if that, which is not good. :-/ Bollocks. I just want tomorrow to be over so I can quit stressing about exams and get on with the rest of my life. :-) I can't believe this year is almost over and I'm halfway through college already - geez, when did that happen, and when did I get so old?! I don't know. I just know that I don't want to study, and I'm completely flipping sick of exams, and especially IR. Why did I ever think I wanted to major in that anyway? I mean, my prof was really cool and all, but the subject matter just didn't interest me at all. Well, I guess it's a good thing I figured that out before I declared a major (I'm doing anthropology now, which I think is going to work out okay). Blah. Well, I guess I should at least try to learn some of the key terms before tomorrow morning...I will be SO glad when this rubbish is over. Peace. Current Mood: blah | | Sunday, April 30th, 2006 | | 10:06 pm |
My purpose in life (or, This one's for you, Erik!) ;-)
So today I was feeling a bit depressed (exam week tends to do that to you, I guess), and I was walking across campus to go wander around CW for a while and maybe figure out my purpose in life (besides being bad luck for NASA, but that's for another entry altogether, I suppose). I turned on my cell phone with the intention of calling my parents, and I saw that I had a voicemail. Turns out the voicemail was from my good friend Erik, and it definitely made me laugh. And that's when I realized that I DO have a purpose in life: to get people just a little more in touch with their crazy side. :-p Erik I love ya man, that message made my day. haha. Peace! Current Mood: amused | | Wednesday, January 25th, 2006 | | 10:34 pm |
Damn, you know things are bad when "Beautiful Day" doesn't cheer you
up...call me cheesy, but that song always pulls me out of a bad mood
for some reason. At least, it usually does. Didn't work
just now. In fact, I put together a whole playlist of songs that
should make me feel better about myself and life in general, and it's
not working. :-/ I'm not quite sure what's wrong - it
shouldn't be my depression acting up again, because I've been keeping
an eye on my meds and even bumping the dose up a little to compensate
for colder weather, darker days, etc., so I should be fine on that
front. Anyway, I don't know if I'd really describe this feeling
as depression...it's more like anxiety and an overwhelming sense of
failing at life. Heh. I know that sounds stupid, but
really, that pretty much sums it up: "failing at life." I
can't do the scheduled workouts for crew because my back is acting up,
and so I feel kind of lazy and disgusting. I also feel like I'm
gaining weight, and that irritates me. I've never been thin, but
at least when I'm reasonably in shape for crew I feel like I have some
muscle tone and not just flab. I need to be able to work out
again - I don't want to get that out of shape again, like after last
spring/summer when I would get winded walking across campus.
Pathetic! It's been happening again lately, too. In the
past few days I've gotten out of breath walking to class, and my legs
felt like they were on fire. Granted, I was walking pretty damn
fast, but still...it shouldn't have affected me that much. Ugh.
And classes...ahh yes, classes. Only the second week and I'm
already falling so far behind I feel like I will never catch up.
At the moment I'm signed up for 16 credits, which really shouldn't be
that big of a deal. A typical semester load here is about 15
credits, I think, and that's the minimum my dad wants me to be
taking. So far, though, I've been taking mostly 13- and 14-credit
semesters...and even that has been a bit much for me, it seems.
And I'm beginning to wonder, can I handle this? I've always
considered myself a fairly smart person, in fact I've never really felt
stupid in school - hell, I was valedictorian! - but this year I have
felt like I'm just about the dumbest person on the face of the Earth
(or at least, at W&M). Is it just because I'm lazy? Is
it because I don't know how to work, because I never had to in high
school? (And yes, I know this isn't high school. I'm also
aware that this is not your average college either; I really believe
it's called a "Public Ivy" for a reason.) But now, more than
ever, I'm questioning just about everything about myself. I was
thinking as I was walking back to my dorm this afternoon that I'll be
20 years old this weekend - entering my third decade on this planet and
I still haven't gotten anything figured out. I don't even really
know who I am, much less what my purpose is here.
F*ck it, I don't know. I don't know anything anymore - except that this song ( Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own)
is making me cry, lol, just like it always does...it reminds me quite a
bit of my own relationship with my dad, I guess. But that's
beside the point. I don't have the strength to keep this up -
typing my ramblings on a cold computer screen instead of addressing the
problem at hand like a responsible adult. Responsible
adult? I'm neither. Just a confused kid wandering
around in a grown-up world...okay, that was just stupid. I need
to get the hell off here and shut up now. NOW. Current Mood: confused | | Tuesday, January 24th, 2006 | | 4:55 pm |
Stupid back...
Bah. My back is acting up again (still?), and it's really
starting to get on my nerves. I have erg practice in an hour and
likely won't be able to get through all of it - yesterday I barely made
it through the first three four-minute pieces before I had to
quit. As much as any rower dislikes erging, though, I do feel
like it's a very efficient and effective workout - and as weird as it
sounds, I've actually gotten to like it a bit. It's a good
workout, it's consistent, and it lends some stability to my day.
It also makes me feel like I've accomplished something. When I
joined the team again this year I was determined to stick it out and
stay through the whole year, heavy winter training and all. And I
wish I could do it. I'm sick of obstacles getting in my
way. First it was the dizzy spells - the near-blackout at the
Occoquan race and the subsequent light-headedness every time I tried to
do a workout - and now this. My doctor said the dizzy spells were
probably just a result of me pushing myself too hard when I was sick
already, which makes sense, and I haven't really had any trouble with
them lately. The back, though...that's a different issue.
That's not something that will just go away with time. Well,
actually I suppose it might, but in the meantime, I really need to be
getting/staying in shape and getting ready for the erg sprints and the
spring races and all that, and I can't very well do that if I'm
"resting" my back and taking time off. It really, really
irritates me - for the first time in my life, I've found a sport that I
really love (well, I liked basketball okay, but this is different), and
it seems that I'm getting foiled at every turn. It's almost as if
God is mocking me for wanting to row and doing everything he can to
prevent me from staying on the team. Maybe that's a stupid and
childish assumption, or maybe there's actually a reason behind
it...like maybe if I keep it up, I'll die in some horrible rowing
accident in the spring or something. I don't know. All I
know is that for the first time in my life I've found a way to get in
shape and get fit, and now all these health problems are threatening to
send me back to my old sedentary lifestyle. That's not something
I want. Besides the physical benefits, I love hanging out with
the people on the crew team. I almost feel like I need that
unity, that closeness and friendship and bonding that occurs on the
team. They are all wonderful people and coming back to them this
year has made me realize just how much I missed that fellowship, that
community. Even the freshmen and first-time rowers who I didn't
know before are great, and I've really enjoyed getting to know
them. I don't want my back problems to take that away from me
again. I talked to Rob M. about my back and he advised me to try
and take it easy; do lots of stretching exercises and crunches and
stuff to strengthen my abs and help my back; and erg as little as
possible. Easier said than done, certainly...mostly due to the
fact that I hate cross-training!
Erging is pretty much my only preferred workout - I can't run very well
at all (not to mention I hate running), I'm not a good swimmer (and
plus it's too cold out and too much of a hassle to go swimming this
time of year anyway), and the bike and stuff at the gym gets really
boring. I suppose erging could be considered monotonous, too, but
there's almost a Zen-like quality in it for me. haha. Never
thought I'd use those two words in the same sentence...erging and Zen,
geez, I really must be going over the edge. :-p
Anyway, it's getting close to time for practice, and I should go and
get ready. Workout clothes on, contacts in, apply Icy-Hot and
hope for the best! :-/
Current Mood: frustrated | | Tuesday, January 17th, 2006 | | 9:53 pm |
"Can you see the beauty inside of me?"
It's been quite a while since I updated this journal thing here, and for good reason. Usually I just use it as an outlet to express frustration, or to write some random crap down when I'm bored. At the moment, I am neither frustrated nor bored - just pondering the events that have happened over the past few weeks. I've learned a lot about myself and the way I perceive people and the world around me, and I've done things I never thought I would have the courage to do again, or possibly for the first time. I have - dare I say it? - fallen in love again...and this time I am not afraid, or angry, or any of the things I thought I would feel. I believe I have finally and truly gotten over my bitterness and hate, and even a certain amount of the cynicism I used to wrap around me like some kind of a protective cloak. (Apparently, though, I haven't gotten over my propensity to string words and phrases together in silly metaphors and dumb cliches that will no doubt sound incredibly stupid and cheesy later...did I just say "propensity?" Point made.)
Anyway, what brought about this change? Well, I spent about a week getting to know a friend again - someone who has been very close to me emotionally, although not physically, over the past few years. We travelled down to his place in Florida, spending hours in the car talking and listening - to each other, to music, and sometimes just to the silence. Although we hadn't actually seen each other in about three years, it was nice getting re-acquainted, and we felt comfortable in each other's presence after a relatively short time. He did most of the driving, since I was out of practice, and at one point I fell asleep in the passenger seat. He had turned off the music so I could sleep, and when I woke up, he said he had something for me. Apparently the CD was already cued up and ready to go - it was set at disc 3, track 5 (strange how one remembers silly little details like that, isn't it?) and when he pushed the play button, I recognized the sound of U2, although I wasn't sure what song it was. (I had just recently gotten into the band, mainly thanks to him, and really liked what I had heard so far.) Turns out it was "City of Blinding Lights," and as we drove south into the sunshine and ever-increasing palm trees and gorgeous blue skies, something clicked for me. He had taken my hand and smiled as he sang "Oh you look so beautiful tonight/In the city of blinding lights" and it was then that I realized that maybe this was love and maybe I was falling for him. Maybe I had already fallen. He was a good guy, and this was certainly the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me. The feeling of euphoria I had as we travelled into the warmth and sunshine, holding hands and listening to him sing those words (beautiful? me?) and knowing he meant it, can hardly be described in mere words, but it was amazing.
And as the week went on, it only got more amazing. We got to his apartment that night and he cooked dinner for us - BBQ chicken with cheese and bacon, quite nice for such short notice especially, and we talked some more. He was completely kind and courteous to me, showing me a kind of respect and honor that I had never really known from a man before - treating me like I was something really special to him. Of course we joked around some, it wasn't all serious, and we did have fun laughing with and at each other. Gradually he helped me realize that he really did love me and care about me as a person, and that he honestly did think I was beautiful. It took some getting used to for me to be able to accept that idea, I can tell you, because for the longest time I'd thought I wasn't even pretty, much less beautiful. But I was to him. He helped me get over some of my biggest fears and insecurities, and most importantly, he helped me learn to trust again. Trust was something that didn't come easily to me, especially not after what happened with Drew, but that was in the past and I began to realize that not all men were like that, and some could be honest and sincere. And he was. He was funny, charming, casual, and easygoing, but he was also incredibly deep and understanding. He opened himself up to me and let me know that he wasn't perfect and that he'd had some pretty bad experiences in the past as well, and his complete honesty and deep trust in me scared the hell out of me at first. But gradually I began to realize that he was sincere - really sincere, not pretending in a shallow way like some others had been - and that I could trust him as well. He gradually drew me out of the fortress I had been building around myself for so long (You don't have to tear down the walls, he had said. Just make sure you have a gate somewhere.). He helped me to see that it was okay to love again, and that he was willing to be a true friend before anything else and would respect my wishes.
This, then, has been so important to me. I feel like it's been a major life change, and that maybe I won't be a lonely, bitter old maid forever. At the very least, he has helped me come to a better understanding of myself, and helped me be less afraid of everything, especially love. He's helped me see that it really can be a beautiful thing, and it doesn't always have to hurt and end in betrayal and rejection. And for that, I would like to say: Thank you. We may not last as a couple forever, but the lessons you have shown me will stay with me for a long, long time. Thank you, my friend, my love. I hope you know how much this time spent with you has meant to me, but part of me feels as though you may never fully understand the depth of how you've affected me. That's all right, though - in fact, you said sort of the same thing to me, didn't you? It's okay. As long as we understand and appreciate each other, it's all good. :-) So thank you, once again. Current Mood: thoughtful | | Monday, October 31st, 2005 | | 9:17 pm |
Weirdness.
I felt sick pretty much all day today, and so I slept...and while I slept I had some very strange dreams. I don't remember a lot of specifics, but I do remember, quite clearly, that in my dream(s?) I fell hopelessly, completely, and intensely in love with someone I barely know. It was really weird. I mean, it wasn't weird at all in the dream - I just wanted to be with him and it seemed completely normal, to both of us I think, because he seemed to want to be with me as well. It was just very strange, because a) I've spoken maybe two sentences to this guy ever - like I said, we don't know each other very well, and b) the feeling of love I had for him in the dream was so strong, so incredibly powerful and intense that it went way beyond any feelings I have ever had for anyone else, in real life or otherwise. Which is saying something, I think, because I've been pretty hardcore "in love" with at least one person in my life...and that person was someone I used to be very, very close to. So it was weird to me that I would feel this way about an acquaintance. It kind of scared me, actually. :-/ I don't know what to make of it - it was probably just a random fluke, because I wasn't feeling well, and maybe my body and mind conspired together to play tricks on me or something, but still, it was quite unsettling. I mean, the guy's good-looking and all, and he seems to be pretty nice, but I BARELY KNOW HIM!!! And so it really disturbs me to be having such intense dreams about him. Well, actually, it would disturb me to be having such intense dreams about anybody, and now that I think about it, it might be more awkward if I had dreamed about a close friend rather than this acquaintance. But still...very weird. Current Mood:  scared | | Friday, October 7th, 2005 | | 11:15 am |
Shit.
It's only 11:15 and already today sucks so bad I can't even believe it. I woke up at about 2:30 this morning in unbelievable pain - my stomach was hurting, my back was hurting, my blisters were throbbing, my head was pounding...it was so bad I couldn't get back to sleep, no matter what I tried. So in a pain-induced haze, I decided to get up and try to do some studying for my comparative politics exam. Needless to say, that didn't work and I couldn't focus on anything. So after a while of that futility, and still in a lot of pain, I realized there was no way I was going to be able to make it to crew practice in the next hour or so. Not really thinking clearly, I texted the Robs and Sofia to let them know that I wasn't going to be at practice, and finally managed to go back to sleep. Got up around 8, still feeling horrible, and took a shower, which didn't really help anything but at least made me feel semi-clean and I guess woke me up a little. Tried to study comparative politics some more but still couldn't focus. Got an email from Rob M. saying that I owed him an explanation...apparently the text messages didn't get through. Damn it. So I emailed him back explaining what had happened, and sent an email to my boat apologizing for not being there. Went to comparative politics feeling absolutely awful, both physically and emotionally, and somehow managed to finish the exam without feeling like I screwed it up too badly. Went back to the dorm to drop my CP books off, then left to meet Erin & Erik at the caf, but accidentally left my ID card in the room. Of course I didn't realize this until Erin and I were on our way inside (where Erik was waiting, although I didn't know that at the time), and so I went back to my dorm since I wasn't hungry anyway and I had work to do. Ran into my coxswain outside the house, and although she was understandably pissed off and threatening to throttle me, she didn't slam the door in my face and leave me out in the rain (of course it's raining). Went into my room and decided to vent here, because otherwise I don't know what I would do. I can't take much more of this. Thank God it's almost fall break...just another few hours and I'll be on my way home, where I can be sick and in pain but at least not feel like I'm a complete disappointment to everybody and their brother. %#&$. Current Mood: crappy | | Sunday, September 4th, 2005 | | 12:16 pm |
Just what I needed...
OK, so I deleted that last entry for a number of reasons. I won't go into it now, but basically I was being a self-absorbed, paranoid, passive-aggressive bitch who was playing the victim and lashing out at people who cared about me more than I knew. It took a slap in the face and a wake-up call to make me realize just how whiny and awful I was being. Yes, I do have issues, but everybody does, and those people who talked to me helped me see the other side of things. So I just want to say thanks to Kate, Maura, and everybody else who cared enough about me to yell in my face and force me to get up out of this miserable slump of self-pity that I've been in for so long. I love you guys and I thank you for all you've done, and even though I can totally understand if you despise me now, I just want to let you know that that was just what I needed. Thanks guys. :-) Current Mood: awake | | Friday, August 19th, 2005 | | 9:53 pm |
Because I'm really bored...
...and also a bit of an escapist not wanting to confront the fact that I really need to start packing for school, I'm wasting my time with these little things.
Pick An Artist/Band: Pink Floyd
Answer These Questions With Their Song Titles:
1.Are You Male or Female: Vera
2.Describe Yourself: A Saucerful Of Secrets
3.How Do Some People Feel About You: Brain Damage
4.How Do You Feel About Yourself: Learning to Fly
4.5 How do you feel about others: Us And Them
5.Describe Your Significant Other Relationship: If
6.Where Would You Rather Be: Southampton Dock
7.Describe What You Want To Be: Comfortably Numb
8.Describe How You Live: Shine On You Crazy Diamond
9.Describe How You Love: Interstellar Overdrive
10. Describe Your Goal in Life: Money ;)
11. Have You Ever Been in Love: Not Now John
12. Describe Your Weekend Life: Waiting For The Worms
13. What Do You See in Your Future?: High Hopes
14. Describe The Worst Person You Know: Paranoid Eyes
15. How Do You Feel About the Guy/Girl of Your Dreams?: Is There Anybody Out There?
16. What Is Your Job/School Most Like?: Welcome to the Machine
17. How Do You Feel About Your Enemy?: Mudmen
18. Describe Your Latest Crush: Empty Spaces
19. How Will You Get Where You're Going?: Set The Controls For The Heart Of The Sun
20. What Are You Doing Tonight?: Bike
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pick An Artist/Band: The Who
Answer These Questions With Their Song Titles:
1.Are You Male or Female: Glow Girl
2.Describe Yourself: Behind Blue Eyes
3.How Do Some People Feel About You: The Quiet One
4.How Do You Feel About Yourself: I Don't Even Know Myself
4.5 How do you feel about others: How Many Friends
5.Describe Your Significant Other Relationship: So Sad About Us
6.Where Would You Rather Be: Armenia City In The Sky
7.Describe What You Want To Be: Pinball Wizard
8.Describe How You Live: Love, Reign O'er Me
9.Describe How You Love: Won't Get Fooled Again
10. Describe Your Goal in Life: Success Story
11. Have You Ever Been in Love: Love Ain't For Keepin'
12. Describe Your Weekend Life: Melancholia
13. What Do You See in Your Future?: The Kids Are Alright
14. Describe The Worst Person You Know: Cousin Kevin
15. How Do You Feel About the Guy/Girl of Your Dreams?: Dreaming From The Waist
16. What Is Your Job/School Most Like?: A Legal Matter
17. How Do You Feel About Your Enemy?: Who Are You
18. Describe Your Latest Crush: Imagine A Man
19. How Will You Get Where You're Going?: Magic Bus
20. What Are You Doing Tonight?: Relax
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pick An Artist/Band: The Beatles
Answer These Questions With Their Song Titles:
1.Are You Male or Female: Girl
2.Describe Yourself: I Me Mine
3.How Do Some People Feel About You: The Fool On The Hill
4.How Do You Feel About Yourself: I Feel Fine
4.5 How do you feel about others: Let It Be
5.Describe Your Significant Other Relationship: For No One
6.Where Would You Rather Be: Strawberry Fields Forever
7.Describe What You Want To Be: Paperback Writer
8.Describe How You Live: Eight Days A Week
9.Describe How You Love: Hello, Goodbye
10. Describe Your Goal in Life: All You Need Is Love
11. Have You Ever Been in Love: Get Back
12. Describe Your Weekend Life: Magical Mystery Tour
13. What Do You See in Your Future?: Tomorrow Never Knows
14. Describe The Worst Person You Know: Taxman
15. How Do You Feel About the Guy/Girl of Your Dreams?: Happiness Is A Warm Gun
16. What Is Your Job/School Most Like?: A Hard Day's Night
17. How Do You Feel About Your Enemy?: We Can Work It Out
18. Describe Your Latest Crush: Nowhere Man
19. How Will You Get Where You're Going?: Yellow Submarine
20. What Are You Doing Tonight?: Flying
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Strangely enough, The Beatles was the hardest one to do - even though I've been a Beatlemaniac for longer than I've been a fan of the other two bands. Weird.
I'm so not ready to go back to school just yet...gah. Why does summer have to end? I feel like it's just beginning! :-/ Current Mood: restless |
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